WHO ARE YOU REALLY?

Finding Your ‘Purpose’ Starts With a Different Question

As the New Year approaches, I notice how often the same conversations come up. With clients. With friends. With myself.

Questions about purpose. Direction. What the next chapter is supposed to look like. How 2026 needs to go!

And I get it. When something feels off in life, it’s natural to assume the answer is “out there” somewhere. A better role. A braver decision. A clearer plan. A new you.

But the older I get, and the longer I do this work, the more I think we often start in the wrong place.

Before purpose, there’s a more uncomfortable question that rarely gets asked.

Who am I actually living as?

Most people don’t pause there. If you ask someone who they are, they’ll tell you what they do. Or the role they play. Or the way they’ve learned to describe themselves over time.

‘I’m a lawyer. I’m a dad. I’m introverted. I’m ambitious. I’m the reliable one. The sensible one. The one who keeps going and doesn’t make a fuss.’

None of those are untrue. But they’re also not the whole story.

They’re descriptions that have solidified over years. Labels that once helped us make sense of ourselves, and then quietly became the limits of who we believe we are allowed to be. It’s a bit like old style CV’s that basically stay the same but get edited overtime so you can pretty much regurgitate the same story!

I see this a lot. Especially in people who are capable, conscientious, and have done what was expected of them.

At some point, identity becomes something we inherit rather than something we choose.

We become the professional version of ourselves. The useful one. The sensible one. The one who keeps going. And life can look fine. Good, even. But underneath, there’s often a dull sense that something has gone missing. Not drama. Not crisis. Just a quiet distance from ourselves.

What’s interesting is that when this happens, people don’t usually think, “Maybe I don’t really know myself anymore.”

They think they need more motivation. Or a new goal. Or a better work–life balance.

But if your sense of who you are is shaped mainly by what you do, what you provide, or what you’re good at, then purpose will always feel slightly out of reach. Because purpose can’t land on a version of you that isn’t true anymore. It just won’t work. It will keep you circling.

I’ve come to believe that a lot of people aren’t lost — they’re just living under outdated assumptions about themselves. Often formed early. Often shaped by responsibility, pressure, or the need to cope.

Which brings me to something I think we underestimate : JOY. Not the loud, performative kind. But the quieter clues.

- What did you love before you learned to be sensible?

 - What did you enjoy when there was no outcome, no productivity, no identity attached to it?

Being outdoors. Making things. Losing track of time. Exploring ideas. Depth over noise. Space over speed. [I think we need to be more analog and less digital maybe!]

Those things tend to get dismissed as hobbies or indulgences. But I don’t think that’s right.
They’re often expressions of the truest parts of us. The parts that didn’t need to prove anything yet.

That self doesn’t disappear. It just gets buried under years of “this is who I am now”.

And if you’re trying to work out what matters to you, what direction to take, or what kind of life you actually want — it’s very hard to do that while standing on a mis-shaped identity.

This is why I don’t see coaching as fixing or pushing or optimising.

It’s more like clearing space.

Space to notice where you’ve been living from roles instead of values.
Space to hear what you’ve been ignoring because it felt impractical.
Space to question whether the life you’re building still fits the person you’ve become.

Most people can’t do that alone — not because they’re incapable, but because you can’t see yourself clearly from inside the patterns that shaped you.

So as this year comes to an end, maybe the question isn’t:

What should I do next?

But something closer to:

Who am I underneath everything I’ve learned to be?

Because when that starts to become clearer, purpose stops feeling like something you need to chase. It starts to feel like something you remember.

If you’re in a place where something needs to change — career, health, pace, meaning — but you can’t quite name what yet, that uncertainty isn’t a failure. It’s often the beginning of an honest conversation with yourself.

And sometimes, having that conversation with the right support makes all the difference.

Bio & Keywords

Russ Bignell is a personal development coach based in Yorkshire, UK, working with clients both locally and internationally. He helps professionals reconnect with themselves, build emotional clarity, and create lives that feel meaningful. His work focuses on mindset, nervous system regulation, emotional resilience, burnout prevention and personal development.

Keywords: Men’s mental health, suicide prevention, emotional resilience, men’s coaching, Mental Health Day, burnout, anxiety, addiction, workplace wellbeing, men’s emotional health, prevention not crisis, men’s development, mental health support, early intervention, self-awareness, personal growth for men, Yorkshire UK, international coaching.

Russell Bignell