When Being “Good” Teaches Your Brain You Don’t Matter
If you’ve ever heard the phrase “bad things always happen to good people”… it might not just be bad luck.
There’s actually a brain-based reason this can feel true — especially if you’ve spent years being the dependable one. The kind one. The person who doesn’t rock the boat. The one who keeps showing up, keeps giving, keeps holding it all together.
I know it well, because I lived it.
I used to think being “good” meant being easy to deal with. Helpful. Hardworking. Reliable. Flexible. Low-maintenance. And I wore that like a badge of honour… right up until it contributed to burnout and years of ill-health.
And here’s what I wish someone had told me sooner:
Being nice can quietly teach your brain that you don’t matter.
Why? Because your brain believes what you practice. Your brain doesn’t learn your intentions.
It learns your patterns.
So if you regularly:
- say yes when you mean no
- put other peoples needs first
- swallow your feelings to keep things smooth
- overgive because you feel responsible
- avoid disappointing people
- let others cross your boundaries
………your nervous system takes that as information. And over time, it forms a belief system that sounds like:
- “I come last.”
- “My needs are inconvenient.”
- “It’s safer to keep people happy than to be honest.”
- “Rest has to be earned.”
You might not consciously believe those things but your behaviour reinforces them and it becomes your internal operating system.
And once that operating system is installed…, well, life starts to match it.
A simple analogy: you train people how to treat you (like training a dog!)
Here’s one of the clearest ways to explain it. If every time someone pushes your boundary, you move that boundary…
You teach them that pushing works because the brain in all humans learns patterns.
If a toddler screams and gets sweets, they scream again next time. If an adult sulks and gets compliance, they sulk again next time.
It’s like training, except instead of treats, the reward is access.
Access to your time.
Your energy.
Your emotional labour.
Your attention.
And once people get used to having that access, they rarely question it.
Of course, not everyone is malicious. But plenty of people get comfortable taking what’s offered freely. If you always say yes, you become the easiest person to ask.
The neuroscience piece
You’ll often hear people talk about the Reticular Activating System (RAS).
Basically your brain filters reality.
There is far too much information coming at you at once, so your nervous system acts like a bouncer on a nightclub door:
“You can come in.”
“You can’t.”
“You’re relevant.”
“You’re not.”
Your brain takes in an overwhelming amount of information every second, so it filters what you notice based on what it believes is relevant.
That filtering is linked to attention networks involving areas like the prefrontal cortex (planning/decision making) and broader systems like the Default Mode Network (the “self-story” network that becomes active during reflection and rumination).
So if your inner story is:
· My needs are a burden
· I have to earn rest
· People leave if I disappoint them
· I’ll be liked if I’m useful
Then your brain starts scanning the world to confirm it.
That overlaps with a well-known psychological pattern: confirmation bias — we tend to pay more attention to evidence that supports what we already believe to be true.
So someone who believes “people always take advantage of me” will spot every example of that quickly.
And someone who believes “I come last” will naturally keep choosing situations where they come last.
Why “good people” attract takers
This is a pattern I’ve seen over and over again. The kindest, most generous people often end up feeling drained and disappointed.
They give and give, then wonder why they keep attracting people who take and take. The issue usually isn’t that they’re too kind it’s that they’re too available.
They haven’t learned how to protect their energy, their time, and their emotional space.
Takers don’t always look for “nice people.” They look for open doors. And if you’ve trained yourself to be the dependable one, the helpful one, the one who always copes… You become a very open door.
Energy distribution: the hidden cost of being “nice”
People pleasing often gets framed as a mindset issue.
It is partly that. But it’s also an energy issue.
Here’s a simple way to see it:
Imagine you wake up each day with £100 worth of energy. Some days you wake up with £70. Some days £30. Some days you wake up with £12 and a fragile emotional grip on reality.
Now look at where that energy goes.
Most people pleasers spend it like this:
- £50 on keeping everyone else comfortable
- £30 on work performance / proving themselves
- £15 on overthinking
- £5 left for food, rest, joy, movement, sunlight, actual living
And then we call it life.
It’s no wonder so many people feel like they’re getting through the day rather than living it. You end up trying to run a whole life from leftovers.
Kindness vs self-abandonment (they look similar, but they feel different)
This is probably one of the biggest shifts.
From the outside, kindness and people pleasing can look the same. But inside, they’re totally different experiences.
Kindness feels like:
- “I want to help.”
- “I have capacity.”
- “This feels aligned.”
- “I won’t resent it later.”
Self-abandonment feels like:
- “I should do this.”
- “I’m tired but I can’t say no.”
- “I feel guilty even considering saying no.”
- “I’m hoping this earns love or approval.”
- “I’ll be annoyed later, but I’ll act fine.”
If you want a quick test ask:
If nobody thanked you… would you still do it?
This usually gives a very honest answer.
Why burnout often hits the “strong one”
The people who burn out are often the ones who look fine. The ones who cope. The ones who lead.
The ones who don’t complain.
But that comes with a hidden cost:
They become very good at ignoring themselves.
Burnout is often what happens when you’ve been overriding your needs for years and your body finally refuses to play along. This was certainly my story.
It forces a pause. Not the kind of pause you wanted…but the kind you really needed.
A few questions worth asking yourself
- Where am I confusing being responsible with being available?
- Who benefits when I keep being the one who “handles everything”?
- What am I afraid would happen if I was more direct?
- What part of me believes I have to earn rest?
- What would change if I treated my energy like it mattered?
These aren’t “deep” questions for the sake of it. They’re practical and ones I use even today. Because it’s these answers that show you exactly where your life is leaking energy.
A better way forward (without turning into someone you don’t like)
This isn’t about becoming selfish but more about becoming solid.
Here are some ways to practise that.
1) “Delay the yes”
People pleasing is often automatic.
Try:
- “Let me check and come back to you.”
- “I need to think about that.”
- “I’ll confirm later.”
The pause gives you a choice instead of a reflex.
2) Move from rescuing to empowering
If you always jump in, you train people to rely on you.
Try:
- “Do you want support, advice, or space to vent?”
- “What do you think your next step is?”
- “I believe you can handle this.”
Support can be healthy but rescuing drains both sides.
3) Set boundaries based on capacity, not guilt
Instead of asking:
“Will they be okay if I say no?”
Ask:
“Will I be okay if I say yes?”
That’s usually the one you’ve been skipping.
4) Build tolerance for small disappointments
If your nervous system is wired to equate disappointment with danger, you need to retrain it.
Start small:
- reply slower
- say “no” without explaining for five minutes
- stop smoothing over awkwardness
- let people feel their feelings
You don’t need to be harsh.
You just need to be clear.
5) Protect your “golden hours”
Most people pleasers give away their best energy early and spend the rest of the day depleted.
Try giving your best hour to:
- your body
- your mind
- your priorities
- your calm
And let the rest of the day happen from a more regulated place. This is why I arrange calls in the afternoon so I can use my best energy for myself in the morning.
Your brain shifts through evidence. Self-worth doesn’t change through affirmations it changes through behaviour and action.
Your brain learns from lived proof. This is so important I’ve found.
Every time you choose yourself, even in a small way, you reinforce a new message:
- “I matter.”
- “My needs are valid.”
- “I can disappoint people and survive it.”
- “I don’t have to earn rest.”
- “I’m allowed to receive.”
And that’s where reality starts to change — because you start showing up differently.
Final thought: stop being “nice” in ways that abandon you
There’s nothing wrong with being kind but kindness without self-respect turns into self-erasure. And if you’re someone who has built their whole identity around being dependable, calm, and capable…this might be the most important shift you ever make:
Stop disappointing yourself to avoid disappointing others.
Be kind.
Be thoughtful.
Be a good human.
Just don’t do it at the cost of your health, your energy, or your life.
Final thoughts:
If this has struck a nerve, it’s probably because you’ve been the one holding it all together for a long time. The capable one. The reliable one. The one who keeps showing up, even when you’re running on empty. And while that might look impressive on the outside, it can feel pretty lonely on the inside. The good news is: this pattern can change. You can learn to set boundaries without guilt, protect your energy without shutting down, and build a life where you’re still a good person… but you’re no longer abandoning yourself in the process. And if you’d like support doing that — in a way that’s practical, honest, and actually sticks — that’s exactly what I help people with.
Bio:
Russ Bignell is a personal development coach based in Yorkshire, UK, working with clients both locally and internationally. He helps professionals reconnect with themselves, build emotional clarity, and create lives that feel meaningful. His work focuses on mindset, nervous system regulation, emotional resilience, burnout prevention and personal development.